America's Douchiest Colleges

BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY
Home of: the “Greatest Door-to-Door Salesmen In the World” Douche
Yes,  it’s a Mormon school. So you can make your obvious joke here, we’ve  heard them all. But here’s what you don’t know about this world of  clean-shaven, socks-with-sandals wearing co-eds: there is a surprisingly  douchey sub-culture. BYU is a feeding ground for all businesses looking  to staff up their summer sales teams (alarm systems, pest control,  etc.). This is mostly due to the fact that all BYU co-eds are expert  door-to-door salesmen (at least they picked up something on those two  year missions). So while most college co-eds spend their summers  polishing their resumes with fancy internships, the most self-confident  handsome airheads at BYU spend their summers making tons of cash in  “summer sales.” They then return $50,000 richer (and  douchier) and inevitably blow their savings on Range Rovers and what  they call “designer jeans.” Oh, and memberships at Gold’s gym, where  they will spend the off-season (i.e. the semester) sculpting their  triceps. And when they’re not working out? You will find the summer  sales douches picking up chicks at Café Rio, while meanwhile recruiting  others to join their summer sales team. They are also the BYU grads  least likely to ever leave Provo — or their summer sales profession.  After all, where else is it acceptable to have your “occupation” take up  4 months of the year, unless you happen to be a life guard?
Dayna Clark
Class of 2008

BRIGHAM YOUNG UNIVERSITY

Home of: the “Greatest Door-to-Door Salesmen In the World” Douche

Yes, it’s a Mormon school. So you can make your obvious joke here, we’ve heard them all. But here’s what you don’t know about this world of clean-shaven, socks-with-sandals wearing co-eds: there is a surprisingly douchey sub-culture. BYU is a feeding ground for all businesses looking to staff up their summer sales teams (alarm systems, pest control, etc.). This is mostly due to the fact that all BYU co-eds are expert door-to-door salesmen (at least they picked up something on those two year missions). So while most college co-eds spend their summers polishing their resumes with fancy internships, the most self-confident handsome airheads at BYU spend their summers making tons of cash in “summer sales.” They then return $50,000 richer (and douchier) and inevitably blow their savings on Range Rovers and what they call “designer jeans.” Oh, and memberships at Gold’s gym, where they will spend the off-season (i.e. the semester) sculpting their triceps. And when they’re not working out? You will find the summer sales douches picking up chicks at Café Rio, while meanwhile recruiting others to join their summer sales team. They are also the BYU grads least likely to ever leave Provo — or their summer sales profession. After all, where else is it acceptable to have your “occupation” take up 4 months of the year, unless you happen to be a life guard?

Dayna Clark

Class of 2008

STANFORD
Home of: the “Tiger Woods” Douche
Sure, it’s filled with dudes who ride scooters and build shrines to Mark  Zuckerberg using human hair and teeth. But it’s the football. If  we have to watch one more blow-dried ESPN analyst splooge on his  houndstooth blazer as he rhapsodizes about the smart, hardnosed brand of  football played by thick-necked white running backs who also major in  biotech, we’re going to start a social media platform!
Bonus: attracts men who like club sandwiches.

STANFORD

Home of: the “Tiger Woods” Douche

Sure, it’s filled with dudes who ride scooters and build shrines to Mark Zuckerberg using human hair and teeth. But it’s the football. If we have to watch one more blow-dried ESPN analyst splooge on his houndstooth blazer as he rhapsodizes about the smart, hardnosed brand of football played by thick-necked white running backs who also major in biotech, we’re going to start a social media platform!

Bonus: attracts men who like club sandwiches.

THE COLLEGE DOUCHEBAG QUIZ
It used to be a simple choice when it came time for the douchebag to go to college (pretty much: Duke or Arizona State, depending on GPA). No more. In our GROUNDBREAKING COLLEGE GUIDE, we provide help for those matriculating seniors who wonder: what’s the perfect school for the kind of douche I am? Here is the highly scientific quiz we designed with a team of people who know math, to help the douche pick the right school for him.Your car is:A. Your mother’s 1998 Saab with leaky sunroof and peeling “Why is there always money for war but not for education?” bumper sticker. B. Getting detailed at the BMW specialist (really expensive, but good) just off campus. C. A fixed-gear bicycle with vintage saddle and Stumptown Coffee drink holder.D. Tailored to look almost exactly like Lucas Black’s car from Tokyo Drift.E. Public transport, preferably hybrid bus or light rail, but even if it’s an old Dodge Caravan, it’s the principle of the thing. F. Still sporting a little blood on the hood from transporting a sixteen-point buck. G. Impounded after third DUI, even though you were barely over the limit.H. Named “The Nut Crusher.”Your defining high school sexual experience:A. Getting a handjob forced on you by a drunk girl from the lacrosse team. B. Quickie in the bathroom at the Boom Boom Room in Buckhead.C. Six hours of intensive, Ecstasy-fuelled skin-touching on a sofa in your friend’s basement while letting LCD Soundsystem penetrate and tingle your pores.D. Dad buying you a lap dance from his regular girl at the Circus Club.E. Fifty-yard-high club! (Blow job on chairlift.)F. Missionary on the seventeenth fairway at the Peachtree Golf Club’s “Hawaiian Night.” G. Cheerleader-on-lax-player roleplay in girlfriend’s basement. H. Cousin.Your defining drug experience until now:A. Half an Ativan before extemporaneous speaking event at state debate finals.B. Not so much coke that it’s, like, a problem.C. Whatever seems avant-garde. (Mark C)D. Crushed Adderall and pimiento-loaf sandwich. E. Using the know-how from the elementary apple bong to build a wall-mounted pneumatic pumpkin bong.F. Drugs are for commies and degenerates.G. It was always available at parties, but it wasn’t a big deal. H. Your mother’s arrest for cooking meth.Your views on liberal arts education:A. “Its decline is challenged only by the rise of digital culture as the greatest threat to human thought in modern times.”B. “Are there a lot of papers?”C. “What else is there?”D. “Whatever they have at University of Delaware.” E. “You know what’d be good? Peanut butter on a Mallomar.”F. “Is that what my daddy had?”G. “It doesn’t really matter, I will end up on top.”H. “Back off, gaywad.”If football team wins a national championship, would most likely:A. Transfer to Bowdoin, to get away from these jerks.B. Get bottle service.C. Not care, and maybe not even notice. D. Play video games.E. Road-trip to the Canyonlands of Utah. F. Put on a blue blazer, fill your flask with good whisky, and engage in a campus tradition on the lawn. Then call your daddy to bail you out.G. Consider it affirmation of your personal worthiness and your destiny to get whatever you want in life.H. Raze the campus to smoldering embers.INTERPRETING THE RESULTSNow that you’ve finished, count up the number of times you selected each letter: the number of As, Bs, Cs, etcetera. Now see which letter you picked most often. Below is an assessment of the type of douchebag you are, and a description of the school where you belong, based on that letter.If there is a preponderance of:As: Incestuously cloistered Northeastern douche: You will be happy at Amherst, Williams, Swarthmore, Bates, Bowdoin, Vassar, or any of the smaller, difficult, unfun schools like them. Though “happy” might not be the right word.Bs: Expensive mediocre private school douche: See entries for Emory, Boston University, USC, Bard, Tulane.Cs: Hipster douche: You’ll find your natural habitat at such schools as Brown, Wesleyan, Reed, Oberlin, McGill, and wherever threeways are called “experimental” instead of “rad.”Ds: You belong at the University of Delaware, cuz.Es: University of Hackysack douche: Seek acceptance at Boulder, Vermont, Oregon, or anywhere the String Cheese Incident tours.Fs: SEC douche: There’s only one conference for you. And please remember that.Gs: Elite douche: You belong at Princeton, Harvard, Duke, Stanford (except in the computer science or engineering departments), or other schools whose reputation and exclusivity—though not necessarily academic opportunities—are paramount.Hs: Welcome to the Big Twelve. Go Sooners!

THE COLLEGE DOUCHEBAG QUIZ

It used to be a simple choice when it came time for the douchebag to go to college (pretty much: Duke or Arizona State, depending on GPA). No more. In our GROUNDBREAKING COLLEGE GUIDE, we provide help for those matriculating seniors who wonder: what’s the perfect school for the kind of douche I am? Here is the highly scientific quiz we designed with a team of people who know math, to help the douche pick the right school for him.

Your car is:
A. Your mother’s 1998 Saab with leaky sunroof and peeling “Why is there always money for war but not for education?” bumper sticker. 
B. Getting detailed at the BMW specialist (really expensive, but good) just off campus. 
C. A fixed-gear bicycle with vintage saddle and Stumptown Coffee drink holder.
D. Tailored to look almost exactly like Lucas Black’s car from Tokyo Drift.
E. Public transport, preferably hybrid bus or light rail, but even if it’s an old Dodge Caravan, it’s the principle of the thing. 
F. Still sporting a little blood on the hood from transporting a sixteen-point buck. 
G. Impounded after third DUI, even though you were barely over the limit.
H. Named “The Nut Crusher.”
Your defining high school sexual experience:
A. Getting a handjob forced on you by a drunk girl from the lacrosse team. 
B. Quickie in the bathroom at the Boom Boom Room in Buckhead.
C. Six hours of intensive, Ecstasy-fuelled skin-touching on a sofa in your friend’s basement while letting LCD Soundsystem penetrate and tingle your pores.
D. Dad buying you a lap dance from his regular girl at the Circus Club.
E. Fifty-yard-high club! (Blow job on chairlift.)
F. Missionary on the seventeenth fairway at the Peachtree Golf Club’s “Hawaiian Night.” 
G. Cheerleader-on-lax-player roleplay in girlfriend’s basement. 
H. Cousin.
Your defining drug experience until now:
A. Half an Ativan before extemporaneous speaking event at state debate finals.
B. Not so much coke that it’s, like, a problem.
C. Whatever seems avant-garde. (Mark C)
D. Crushed Adderall and pimiento-loaf sandwich. 
E. Using the know-how from the elementary apple bong to build a wall-mounted pneumatic pumpkin bong.
F. Drugs are for commies and degenerates.
G. It was always available at parties, but it wasn’t a big deal. 
H. Your mother’s arrest for cooking meth.
Your views on liberal arts education:
A. “Its decline is challenged only by the rise of digital culture as the greatest threat to human thought in modern times.”
B. “Are there a lot of papers?”
C. “What else is there?”
D. “Whatever they have at University of Delaware.” 
E. “You know what’d be good? Peanut butter on a Mallomar.”
F. “Is that what my daddy had?”
G. “It doesn’t really matter, I will end up on top.”
H. “Back off, gaywad.”
If football team wins a national championship, would most likely:
A. Transfer to Bowdoin, to get away from these jerks.
B. Get bottle service.
C. Not care, and maybe not even notice. 
D. Play video games.
E. Road-trip to the Canyonlands of Utah. 
F. Put on a blue blazer, fill your flask with good whisky, and engage in a campus tradition on the lawn. Then call your daddy to bail you out.
G. Consider it affirmation of your personal worthiness and your destiny to get whatever you want in life.
H. Raze the campus to smoldering embers.
INTERPRETING THE RESULTS
Now that you’ve finished, count up the number of times you selected each letter: the number of As, Bs, Cs, etcetera. Now see which letter you picked most often. Below is an assessment of the type of douchebag you are, and a description of the school where you belong, based on that letter.
If there is a preponderance of:
As: Incestuously cloistered Northeastern douche: You will be happy at Amherst, Williams, Swarthmore, Bates, Bowdoin, Vassar, or any of the smaller, difficult, unfun schools like them. Though “happy” might not be the right word.
Bs: Expensive mediocre private school douche: See entries for Emory, Boston University, USC, Bard, Tulane.
Cs: Hipster douche: You’ll find your natural habitat at such schools as Brown, Wesleyan, Reed, Oberlin, McGill, and wherever threeways are called “experimental” instead of “rad.”
Ds: You belong at the University of Delaware, cuz.
Es: University of Hackysack douche: Seek acceptance at Boulder, Vermont, Oregon, or anywhere the String Cheese Incident tours.
Fs: SEC douche: There’s only one conference for you. And please remember that.
Gs: Elite douche: You belong at Princeton, Harvard, Duke, Stanford (except in the computer science or engineering departments), or other schools whose reputation and exclusivity—though not necessarily academic opportunities—are paramount.
Hs: Welcome to the Big Twelve. Go Sooners!

TEXAS A&M
Home of: the “Rick Perry” Douche
Dag burn it, this is one heck of a sausage. HECK of a sausage. Shoot. Smoky, too. Mmmmm. Yeah, you gotta open the throat a little to eat this thing. You learn it. Wooooooo! Texas, yeah! Heck yeah. Soon as I finsh this sucker up, tell you what: I’m gonna watch me some football, find a nerd and make fun of him for being smart, apply some more Terracotta self-tanning spray from Guerlain, and then try to fulfill my lifelong goal of snatching Social Security checks from the hands of old people. GO AGGIES!

TEXAS A&M

Home of: the “Rick Perry” Douche

Dag burn it, this is one heck of a sausage. HECK of a sausage. Shoot. Smoky, too. Mmmmm. Yeah, you gotta open the throat a little to eat this thing. You learn it. Wooooooo! Texas, yeah! Heck yeah. Soon as I finsh this sucker up, tell you what: I’m gonna watch me some football, find a nerd and make fun of him for being smart, apply some more Terracotta self-tanning spray from Guerlain, and then try to fulfill my lifelong goal of snatching Social Security checks from the hands of old people. GO AGGIES!

ITHACA COLLEGE
Home of: the “Fauxhemian” Douche
Perfect for getting a head start on the squalor that awaits you in the  big city, I.C. is the home of middling liberalism and bankrupt ambition.  In the town Commons, you can spend $37 on a handcrafted candle made of  raccoon earwax and not feel guilty when you can’t make the rent because  you are contributing to an organic community. You can eat whole oats and  flaxseed lasagna while damning the man at Taco Bell (but you will totes  eat some T-Bell if the Oats Palace is closed). And you can merrily fail  Survey of Critical Methodologies in Mass Media while pretending you do  not have an inferiority complex about neighboring Cornell. Also, cool  hat.
—Sean Fennessey, ‘04

ITHACA COLLEGE

Home of: the “Fauxhemian” Douche

Perfect for getting a head start on the squalor that awaits you in the big city, I.C. is the home of middling liberalism and bankrupt ambition. In the town Commons, you can spend $37 on a handcrafted candle made of raccoon earwax and not feel guilty when you can’t make the rent because you are contributing to an organic community. You can eat whole oats and flaxseed lasagna while damning the man at Taco Bell (but you will totes eat some T-Bell if the Oats Palace is closed). And you can merrily fail Survey of Critical Methodologies in Mass Media while pretending you do not have an inferiority complex about neighboring Cornell. Also, cool hat.

—Sean Fennessey, ‘04

DARTMOUTH
Home of: the “Animal House” Douche
Lots  of bros claim that the movie “Animal House” was based on their frat.  Unless they were members of Alpha Delta, at Dartmouth, they’re lying  (Chris Miller, Alpha Delta ‘63, co-wrote the movie). There have been  some major changes since Bluto and Pinto and Flounder held court—most  notably, Dartmouth now admits women—though a lot has stayed the same:  AD, as it’s called, is still basically an open sewer where dudes forgo  talking to girls in favor of peeing on walls and getting super  competitive about hitting ping pong balls into plastic cups with wooden  paddles. It’s called pong,  and you play until you’re drunk enough to ignore the fact that the  Patagonia-clad white dude behind the bar has been dipping his balls in  everyone’s beer. Or until he vomits on your shoes.
—Neel Shah

DARTMOUTH

Home of: the “Animal House” Douche

Lots of bros claim that the movie “Animal House” was based on their frat. Unless they were members of Alpha Delta, at Dartmouth, they’re lying (Chris Miller, Alpha Delta ‘63, co-wrote the movie). There have been some major changes since Bluto and Pinto and Flounder held court—most notably, Dartmouth now admits women—though a lot has stayed the same: AD, as it’s called, is still basically an open sewer where dudes forgo talking to girls in favor of peeing on walls and getting super competitive about hitting ping pong balls into plastic cups with wooden paddles. It’s called pong, and you play until you’re drunk enough to ignore the fact that the Patagonia-clad white dude behind the bar has been dipping his balls in everyone’s beer. Or until he vomits on your shoes.

—Neel Shah