THE COLLEGE DOUCHEBAG QUIZ
It used to be a simple choice when it came time for the douchebag to go to college (pretty much: Duke or Arizona State, depending on GPA). No more. In our GROUNDBREAKING COLLEGE GUIDE, we provide help for those matriculating seniors who wonder: what’s the perfect school for the kind of douche I am? Here is the highly scientific quiz we designed with a team of people who know math, to help the douche pick the right school for him.
Your car is:
A. Your mother’s 1998 Saab with leaky sunroof and peeling “Why is there always money for war but not for education?” bumper sticker.
B. Getting detailed at the BMW specialist (really expensive, but good) just off campus.
C. A fixed-gear bicycle with vintage saddle and Stumptown Coffee drink holder.
D. Tailored to look almost exactly like Lucas Black’s car from Tokyo Drift.
E. Public transport, preferably hybrid bus or light rail, but even if it’s an old Dodge Caravan, it’s the principle of the thing.
F. Still sporting a little blood on the hood from transporting a sixteen-point buck.
G. Impounded after third DUI, even though you were barely over the limit.
H. Named “The Nut Crusher.”
Your defining high school sexual experience:
A. Getting a handjob forced on you by a drunk girl from the lacrosse team.
B. Quickie in the bathroom at the Boom Boom Room in Buckhead.
C. Six hours of intensive, Ecstasy-fuelled skin-touching on a sofa in your friend’s basement while letting LCD Soundsystem penetrate and tingle your pores.
D. Dad buying you a lap dance from his regular girl at the Circus Club.
E. Fifty-yard-high club! (Blow job on chairlift.)
F. Missionary on the seventeenth fairway at the Peachtree Golf Club’s “Hawaiian Night.”
G. Cheerleader-on-lax-player roleplay in girlfriend’s basement.
Your defining drug experience until now:
A. Half an Ativan before extemporaneous speaking event at state debate finals.
B. Not so much coke that it’s, like, a problem.
C. Whatever seems avant-garde. (Mark C)
D. Crushed Adderall and pimiento-loaf sandwich.
E. Using the know-how from the elementary apple bong to build a wall-mounted pneumatic pumpkin bong.
F. Drugs are for commies and degenerates.
G. It was always available at parties, but it wasn’t a big deal.
H. Your mother’s arrest for cooking meth.
Your views on liberal arts education:
A. “Its decline is challenged only by the rise of digital culture as the greatest threat to human thought in modern times.”
B. “Are there a lot of papers?”
C. “What else is there?”
D. “Whatever they have at University of Delaware.”
E. “You know what’d be good? Peanut butter on a Mallomar.”
F. “Is that what my daddy had?”
G. “It doesn’t really matter, I will end up on top.”
H. “Back off, gaywad.”
If football team wins a national championship, would most likely:
A. Transfer to Bowdoin, to get away from these jerks.
B. Get bottle service.
C. Not care, and maybe not even notice.
D. Play video games.
E. Road-trip to the Canyonlands of Utah.
F. Put on a blue blazer, fill your flask with good whisky, and engage in a campus tradition on the lawn. Then call your daddy to bail you out.
G. Consider it affirmation of your personal worthiness and your destiny to get whatever you want in life.
H. Raze the campus to smoldering embers.
INTERPRETING THE RESULTS
Now that you’ve finished, count up the number of times you selected each letter: the number of As, Bs, Cs, etcetera. Now see which letter you picked most often. Below is an assessment of the type of douchebag you are, and a description of the school where you belong, based on that letter.
If there is a preponderance of:
As: Incestuously cloistered Northeastern douche: You will be happy at Amherst, Williams, Swarthmore, Bates, Bowdoin, Vassar, or any of the smaller, difficult, unfun schools like them. Though “happy” might not be the right word.
Bs: Expensive mediocre private school douche: See entries for Emory, Boston University, USC, Bard, Tulane.
Cs: Hipster douche: You’ll find your natural habitat at such schools as Brown, Wesleyan, Reed, Oberlin, McGill, and wherever threeways are called “experimental” instead of “rad.”
Ds: You belong at the University of Delaware, cuz.
Es: University of Hackysack douche: Seek acceptance at Boulder, Vermont, Oregon, or anywhere the String Cheese Incident tours.
Fs: SEC douche: There’s only one conference for you. And please remember that.
Gs: Elite douche: You belong at Princeton, Harvard, Duke, Stanford (except in the computer science or engineering departments), or other schools whose reputation and exclusivity—though not necessarily academic opportunities—are paramount.
Hs: Welcome to the Big Twelve. Go Sooners!