THE OHIO STATE UNIVERSITY
Home of: The “Excessive School Pride” Douche
Dude, we know. It wasn’t his fault. We know: he’s morally upstanding! He’s righteous! He’s Jim “The Senator” Tressel, a football genius who writes messianic self-help books, hates smiling, and has never taken a satisfying dump in his life! But listen, now that it’s been revealed he let his players get free tattoos (life size sweater-vests, we’re sure) in exchange for memorabilia, Ohio State can rightfully return to its true identity: 649,000 drunk people from Toledo who get drunk on Saturday afternoons, pass out in their own Dorito puke, and major in “Kicking Michigan’s Ass.” (Seriously, check the resumes.) Wooooooooooooooohoooooooooooooooooooo BUCKS!