THE COLLEGE OF THE HOLY CROSS
Home of: The “We’re Different” Douche
My name is Ryan. I went to Holy Cross. This is me in college. The one thing they tell you when you go to Holy Cross is that Holy Cross is DIFFERENT. Holy Cross declined an invitation from the Ivies, because we’re different. Holy Cross doesn’t require SAT scores, either. Holy Cross is smaller than other schools. Holy Cross has less than 3,000 students. People at Holy Cross like to talk about how that makes Holy Cross different, too.
What they don’t say is that this smallness makes the differentness of Holy Cross kind of… Uniform. Because at Holy Cross, all of the girls carry the same Longchamp bag, drink the same vodka-waters, and run on the same elliptical machine every morning to burn off those same vodka-waters. Holy Cross would have a modern national championship in a sport that actually mattered if the elliptical machine was a sport that actually mattered. Holy Cross boys are uniform in their differentness, too. They carry Busch Lights in backpacks, urinate in their beds, and vomit on themselves. Holy Cross boys take their shirts off once the temperature exceeds 60 degrees. Holy Cross boys always wear ironic basketball jerseys when they’re not not-wearing a shirt. Holy Cross boys have managed to make the Nick Van Exel jersey totally unironic.
There’s one other thing that makes Holy Cross different from Ivy League schools. The lacrosse team. The lacrosse team sucks.
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